precious children, a gift from god

excerpt from “Precious Children, a Gift from God,” Ensign, Jun 2000, by President Thomas S. Monson

If only all children had loving parents, safe homes, and caring friends, what a wonderful world would be theirs. Unfortunately, all children are not so bounteously blessed. Some children witness their fathers savagely beating their mothers, while others are on the receiving end of such abuse. What cowardice, what depravity, what shame!

Local hospitals everywhere receive these little ones, bruised and battered, accompanied by bald-faced lies that the child “ran into the door” or “fell down the stairs.” Liars, bullies who abuse children, they will one day reap the whirlwind of their foul deeds. The quiet, the hurt, the offended child victim of abuse, and at times incest, must receive help.

A district judge, in a letter to me, declared: “Sexual abuse of children is one of the most depraved, destructive, and demoralizing crimes in civilized society. There is an alarming increase of reported physical, psychological, and sexual abuse of children. Our courts are becoming inundated with this repulsive behavior.”

The Church does not condone such heinous and vile conduct. Rather, we condemn in the harshest of terms such treatment of God’s precious children. Let the child be rescued, nurtured, loved, and healed. Let the offender be brought to justice, to accountability, for his or her actions and receive professional treatment to curtail such wicked and devilish conduct. When you and I know of such conduct and fail to take action to eradicate it, we become part of the problem. We share part of the guilt. We experience part of the punishment.

I trust I have not spoken too harshly, but I love these little ones and know that the Lord loves them too. No more touching account of this love can be found than the experience of Jesus blessing the children as described in 3 Nephi. It tells of Jesus healing the sick, teaching the people, and praying to Heavenly Father for them. But then let me quote the precious words:

“[Jesus] took their little children, one by one, and blessed them, and prayed unto the Father for them.

“And when he had done this he wept again;

“And he spake unto the multitude, and said unto them: Behold your little ones.

“And as they looked to behold they cast their eyes towards heaven, and they saw the heavens open, and they saw angels descending out of heaven as it were in the midst of fire; … and the angels did minister unto them.” 11

You may ask, Do such things occur even today? Let me share with you the beautiful account of a grandmother and a grandfather who were serving a mission years ago and the manner in which their little grandson was blessed. The missionary grandfather wrote:

“My wife, Deanna, and I are now serving a mission in Jackson, Ohio. One of our big concerns as we accepted a mission call was our family. We would not be there when they had problems.

“Just before we went on our mission, our grandson, R. J., who was two and a half years old, had to have surgery to correct a crossed eye. His mother asked me to go with them because R. J. and I are real buddies. The operation went well, but R. J. did cry before and after the surgery because none of the family could go into the operating room, and he was afraid.

“About six months later, while we were still on our mission, R. J. needed the other eye corrected. His mother phoned and expressed her desire for me to be there to go with them for the second operation. Of course, distance and the mission prevented me from being with him. Deanna and I fasted and prayed for the Lord to comfort our grandson during his operation.

“We called shortly after the surgery was over and found that R. J. had remembered the previous experience and did not want to leave his parents. But as soon as he entered the operating room, he quieted down. He lay down on the operating table, took off his glasses for them, and went through the operation with a calm spirit. We were very thankful; our prayers had been answered.

“A couple of days later, we called our daughter and asked about R. J. He was doing fine, and she related this incident to us: In the afternoon after the operation, R. J. awakened and told his mother that Grandpa was there during the operation. He said, ‘Grandpa was there and made it all right.’ You see, the Lord made the anesthesiologist appear to that little boy as though he were his grandpa, but his grandpa and grandma were on a mission 1,800 miles away.”

Grandpa may not have been by your bedside, R. J., but you were in his prayers and in his thoughts. You were cradled in the hand of the Lord and blessed by the Father of us all.

My dear brothers and sisters, may the laughter of children gladden our hearts. May the faith of children soothe our souls. May the love of children prompt our deeds. “Children are an heritage of the Lord.” 12 May our Heavenly Father ever bless these sweet souls, these special friends of the Master.

Cornnut is an art lover and an advocate for child abuse prevention.
She loves being a wife and a mother. Check out her personal blog, Picture of Experience .

keeping mentally well

The atoning love of the Savior includes His willingness to bear not only the burden of our sins--which would separate us forever from our Father--but also our day-to-day burdens of fear and anxiety--which would deprive us of peace and joy.

As Sister Patricia Holland explains, giving our burdens to the Lord sometimes requires us "to make that leap of faith toward His embrace when we are least certain of His presence...When we hand our fears and frustrations to Him in absolute confidence that He will help us resolve them, when in this way we free our heart and mind and soul of all anxiety, we find in a rather miraculous way that He can instill within us a whole new perspective--He can fill us with 'that joy which is unspeakable and full of glory' (see Helaman 5:44)."

Cornnut is an art lover and an advocate for child abuse prevention.
She loves being a wife and a mother. Check out her personal blog, Picture of Experience .

a willingness to learn from pain

The following quote is from Anne Morrow Lindbergh, the wife of pilot Charles Lindbergh. Their baby was kidnapped, which eventually resulted in the child's death. In looking back on her life, Mrs. Lindbergh wrote:

"I do not believe that sheer suffering teaches. If suffering alone taught, all the world would be wise, since everyone suffers. To suffering must be added mourning, understanding, patience, love, openness, and the willingness to remain vulnerable." (Time, 5 Feb. 1973)

Alma and Amulek had the power to bring down punishment upon the wicked men who killed the believers of the word of God. But Alma would not use his power in that manner. He explained that God permits the righteous to suffer for a purpose. (See Alma 14:11)

Spencer W. Kimball said:

"Now, we find many people critical when a righteous person is killed, a young father or mother is taken from a family, or when violent deaths occur. Some become bitter when oft-repeated prayers seem unanswered. Some lose faith and turn sour when solemn administrations by holy men seem to be ignored and no restoration seems to come from repeated prayer circles. But if all the sick were healed, if all the righteous were protected and the wicked destroyed, the whole program of the Father would be annulled and the basic principle of the gospel, agency, would be ended.

"If pain and sorrow and total punishment immediately followed the doing of evil, no woul would repeat a misdeed. If joy and peace and rewards were instantaneously given the doer of good, there could be no evil--all would do good and not because of the rightness of doing good. There would be no test of strength, no development of character, no growth of powers, no free agency, no Satanic controls.

"Should all prayers be immediately answered accordning to our selfish desires and our limited understanding, then there would be little or no suffering, soorow, disappointment, or even death; and if these were not, there would also be an absence of joy, success, resurrection, eternal life, and godhood.

"We knew before we were born that we were coming to earth for bodies and experience and that we would have joys and sorrows, ease and pain, comforts and hardships, health and sickenss, successes and disappointments, and we knew also that after a period of life we would die. We accepted all these eventualities with a glad heart, eager to accept both the favorable and unfavorable. We eagerly accepted the chance to come earthward even though it might be for only a day or a year. Perhaps we were not so much concerned whether we would die of disease, of accident, or of senility. We were willing to take life as it came and as we might organize and control unreasonable demands."

(See Faith Precedes the Miracle, p. 106 and The Improvement Era, March 1966, pages 180, 210.)

Like Mrs. Lindbergh said, everyone suffers. How we respond to that suffering dictates who we become. Our lives can become like a tragic play, or we can choose to learn and grow, instead of becoming bitter and unhappy. Of course we will have ups and downs. Of course we will suffer, we will be depressed, angry, and resentful. But we must not allow that to consume us, and we must work hard to turn our sorrows to joys.

Throughout my life I have known a lot of pain, a lot of hurt, anger, and frustration. I have also known some joy. I believe that much of the joy that I have experienced has come as a direct result of the pain I have endured. Who I am today and who I will become is so deeply attached to my suffering that there is no way to separate them. My understanding of people, my ability to empathize with another human being without judgment comes completely from the hard times in my life. Every day is a struggle to turn pain to joy, but it is possible to do so. I just have to remember that I knew before my birth the pain I would encounter, but I knew without a doubt that the benefits outweighed the negatives and was eager to endure the pain.

a willingness to endure pain

The following quote is from Anne Morrow Lindbergh, the wife of pilot Charles Lindbergh. Their baby was kidnapped, which eventually resulted in the child's death. In looking back on her life, Mrs. Lindbergh wrote:

"I do not believe that sheer suffering teaches. If suffering alone taught, all the world would be wise, since everyone suffers. To suffering must be added mourning, understanding, patience, love, openness, and the willingness to remain vulnerable." (Time, 5 Feb. 1973)

Alma and Amulek had the power to bring down punishment upon the wicked men who killed the believers of the word of God. But Alma would not use his power in that manner. He explained that God permits the righteous to suffer for a purpose. (See Alma 14:11)

Spencer W. Kimball said:

"Now, we find many people critical when a righteous person is killed, a young father or mother is taken from a family, or when violent deaths occur. Some become bitter when oft-repeated prayers seem unanswered. Some lose faith and turn sour when solemn administrations by holy men seem to be ignored and no restoration seems to come from repeated prayer circles. But if all the sick were healed, if all the righteous were protected and the wicked destroyed, the whole program of the Father would be annulled and the basic principle of the gospel, agency, would be ended.

"If pain and sorrow and total punishment immediately followed the doing of evil, no woul would repeat a misdeed. If joy and peace and rewards were instantaneously given the doer of good, there could be no evil--all would do good and not because of the rightness of doing good. There would be no test of strength, no development of character, no growth of powers, no free agency, no Satanic controls.

"Should all prayers be immediately answered accordning to our selfish desires and our limited understanding, then there would be little or no suffering, soorow, disappointment, or even death; and if these were not, there would also be an absence of joy, success, resurrection, eternal life, and godhood.

"We knew before we were born that we were coming to earth for bodies and experience and that we would have joys and sorrows, ease and pain, comforts and hardships, health and sickenss, successes and disappointments, and we knew also that after a period of life we would die. We accepted all these eventualities with a glad heart, eager to accept both the favorable and unfavorable. We eagerly accepted the chance to come earthward even though it might be for only a day or a year. Perhaps we were not so much concerned whether we would die of disease, of accident, or of senility. We were willing to take life as it came and as we might organize and control unreasonable demands."

(See Faith Precedes the Miracle, p. 106 and The Improvement Era, March 1966, pages 180, 210.)

Like Mrs. Lindbergh said, everyone suffers. How we respond to that suffering dictates who we become. Our lives can become like a tragic play, or we can choose to learn and grow, instead of becoming bitter and unhappy. Of course we will have ups and downs. Of course we will suffer, we will be depressed, angry, and resentful. But we must not allow that to consume us, and we must work hard to turn our sorrows to joys.

Throughout my life I have known a lot of pain, a lot of hurt, anger, and frustration. I have also known some joy. I believe that much of the joy that I have experienced has come as a direct result of the pain I have endured. Who I am today and who I will become is so deeply attached to my suffering that there is no way to separate them. My understanding of people, my ability to empathize with another human being without judgment comes completely from the hard times in my life. Every day is a struggle to turn pain to joy, but it is possible to do so. I just have to remember that I knew before my birth the pain I would encounter, but I knew without a doubt that the benefits outweighed the negatives and was eager to endure the pain.

"if thou endure it well"

The following article is by Elder Marvin J. Ashton.

When tragedy, disappointment, and heartache surface in our lives, it is not unusual for many of us to become self-condemning and resentful. In the stress of the situation we declare, "What have we done to deserve this? Why does the Lord allow this to happen to us?"

Sometimes we spend so much time trying to determine what we did wrong in the past to deserve the unpleasant happenings of the moment that we fail to resolve the challenges of the present. Og Mansion wrote in his book The Greatest Miracle in the World, "If we lock ourselves in a prison of failure and self-pity, we are the only jailers...we have the only key to our freedom."

We can let ourselves out of such a prison by turning to the Lord for strength. With His help we can use our trials as stepping-stones. The keys are in our hands.

"I, the Lord, am bound when ye do what I say; but when ye do not what I say, ye have no promise." (D&C 82:10)

If we are offended and resentful, can we believe that He is bound to help us in our tragedies and disappointments? The scripture does not tell us how or when this commitment will be effective or realized, but His promise is real and binding. Our challenge is to endure. There will always be testing and trials along life's paths. Heartaches and tragedies need not defeat us if we remember God's promise.

A worthwhile attitude for all of us could well be, "Help us, O Lord, to remember thy love for us and help us to be fortifid by thy strength when our eyes are blurred with tears of sorrow and our vision is limited."

It is expedient for all of us, particularly those who may be weighed down by grief because of acts of misconduct or misfortune, to recall that even the Prophet Joseph Smith had hours of despair because of his very trying experiences in the Liberty Jail. Perhaps he too was entitled to question, "What did I do wrong? What have I done to displease thee, O Lord? Where have I failed? Why are the answers to my prayers and please withheld?" In response to the feelings of his heart and mind he cried out: "O God, where art thou? And where is the pavilion that covereth thy hiding place?" (D&C 121:1)

The Lord responded to him, as He does to each of us: "My son, peace be unto thy soul: thine afflictions shall be but a small moment. And if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes." (D&C 121:7-8)

turning darkness into light

In what ways can I use what I have learned from my abuse to help myself grow and to serve others?

Sometimes the Lord calms the storm. Sometimes He lets the storm rage and calms His child.

We have all heard popular sayings like this, designed to encourage us and push us forward.

A piece of coal must go through thousands of years of heat and pressure before it becomes a diamond.

A beautiful pearl is the result of irritation and pain caused by a single grain of sand.

As survivors we often feel that we have had all the heat, pressure, irritation and pain we can possibly handle! But, if we allow ourselves to look back at all the things we've learned, the wonderful people we've met, our increase in compassion and understanding, and our slowness to judge those around us, hopefully we can honestly say that we are grateful for what we have gained. We must learn to turn the darkness of the past into light.

As we struggle to make something good out of that which is so wrong and ugly, we can find hope and peace in the following scripture:

"My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment. And if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes." (D&C 121:7-8)

opening volumes of happiness

I think I may have shared this quote before, but I think it is so important that I need to share it again. Read it over and over, and really think about what he is saying to you.

"If you feel there is only a thin thread of hope, believe me, it is not a thread. It can be the unbreakable connecting link to the Lord which puts a life preserver around you. He will heal you as you cease to fear and place your trust in him by striving to live his teachings.

"Please, don't suffer more. Ask now for the Lord to help you. Decide now to talk to your bishop. Don't view all that you experience in life through lenses darkened by the scars of abuse. There is so much in life that is beautiful. Open the windows of your heart and let the love of the Savior in. And should ugly thoughts of past abuse come back, remember his love and his healing power. Your depression will be converted to peace and assurance. You will close an ugly chapter and open volumes of happiness."

Elder Richard G. Scott, Ensign, May 1992

let it end with me

This article, in the September 2001 Ensign, is from a woman who grew up in an abusive home. Her name has been withheld.

After an abusive upbringing, I was determined to stop the cycle of humiliation and violence.

When I was a child, our home was a battleground, rarely safe, rarely peaceful. Our family's daily interpersonal communication consisted mostly of ridicule, sarcasm, and criticism. Approval and warm feelings for each other were nonexistent, as were words of courtesy and apology. We did not listen or have discussions. Instead, we became proficient in arguing, fighting, name-calling, accusing, and faultfinding.

Looking back, I see that our family appeared healthy on the outside. Our parents served in Church callings, and we children were well behaved and knowledgeable. The rest of the world saw accomplished scholars, talented musicians, and capable artists. They did not know that each of us felt isolated and worthless. They could not see the shame and embarrassment our parents felt because we were not perfect. I never even considered telling anyone about our treatment at home, even when my mother dislocated my jaw by hitting me.

In our home, family prayers, family home evenings, and Church activity coexisted with physical violence and emotional battering. Upon arriving home from church, it was common for everyone from oldest to youngest to receive a sound thrashing. How could a family live such a paradox?

Despite my difficult upbringing, I had a testimony and made it my goal to rear a righteous family in the gospel. As a young wife and mother, I diligently did everything I knew to reach my goal, but it was difficult. Something was missing. I often found myself feeling impatient and critical toward my husband and children. It seemed I could never remember in time to stop my harsh words or refrain from striking a child. I felt guilty and unhappy with myself.

As my married life continued, I increasingly sought out positive influences. My sweet, patient mother-in-law became my role model, and I tried hard to emulate her. I read the scriptures daily, and, as I became more acquainted with them, my desire to be like the Savior grew stronger. Occasionally, I would experience the sweet feelings of the Holy Spirit. I yearned to feel its influence constantly, but I couldn't. The contrast between being with and being without the Spirit became more obvious to me.

One Sunday in Relief Society, the lesson was about becoming more Christ like. My desire to become better had become intense. When our teacher gave us personal questionnaires designed to get us thinking about how we could become more Christ like, I took it home, determined to complete it. The first two columns were easy to fill out -- a list of things I wanted to change in myself and then a list of specific courses of action to make those changes. But when I tried to tackle the last column, the struggle began. I had to list my strengths and good points, and I honestly could not think of any. Tears flowed and frustration mounted as guilt surrounded me. I prayed urgently for help, and finally I talked to my husband. He reminded me of some of my strengths, but I could hardly hear his encouraging words as the battle raged inside me. Conflicts about myself tormented me. It was several days before I could face that handout again. Yet in spite of my insecurities and fears, I was determined to be open and honest, no matter how much it hurt. As I struggled to think of my strengths, the realization that I was Heavenly Father's child suddenly surfaced and calmed my pain and tears. I realized that as a child of God I must have inherited some positive characteristics from Him. My pencil began to haltingly fill out that final column, and with the Lord's help I finished it. It was a major victory for me!

As the years unfolded, my husband was my guide as he constantly encouraged, taught, and loved me. We worked together to create order and promote harmony in our home. I was a willing but slow student because many of the gospel's teachings were foreign to my experience. For example, I had to learn to recognize and accept kindness before I could become kind inside. In the scriptures I read that "the Lord God hath given a commandment that ll men should have charity, which charity is love. And except they should have charity they were nothing" (2 Ne. 26:30). As I thought about having the pure love of Christ in my heart and life, I realized that obtaining charity is a journey and that I was finally, consciously, embarking upon it.

I believe that my desire to be obedient to the Lord was one of my greatest gifts as I went through my soul-wrenching changes. Though my understanding was limited at first, I feel like I was blessed simply because I was trying so hard. It seemed that as soon as I learned one lesson, other lessons came as quickly as I could handle them. I knew I couldn't do it myself and humbly admitted that to the Lord and begged for His help. He tender mercies showered me. Help came in unexpected ways, and I began to recognize the Lord's hand in all things. Hungrily I partook of the scriptures, books, tapes, lectures, classes, and anything else I could find that gave me positive information and assistance. When I went for some professional therapy, I made some major behavioral leaps.

Gradually I was able to replace old attitude and habits. I began to love myself. Peace came even through my struggles. Slowly, as I became more loving and gentle, I could feel everyone in our home following my example. As my self-control has improved, I find that I am enjoying being a mother and feeling the Holy Spirit in our home.

It feels marvelous to know that one of the blessings of my repentance, and of the Atonement of Jesus Christ, is to have a home that is safe and peaceful. And now as a parent, I can say that our home is not a battleground.

Cornnut is an art lover and an advocate for child abuse prevention.
She loves being a wife and a mother. Check out her personal blog, Picture of Experience .

becoming whole through repentance

As a victim healing from abuse, what role can repentance play in the healing process? Have I taken the steps needed to repent of wrongs and sins in my life?

"Repentance involves recognition of our imperfections, remorse for having strayed, restitution where appropriate, and resolve that the transgression will never be repeated." Royden Derrick, Ensign, May 1989

In the process of healing we often turn our thoughts to those who have wronged and hurt us. It is easy to pint our finger in blame towards those who sin against us, yet we sometimes fail to recognize our own faults and misdeeds.

The healing process requires that we not only forgive others, but that we also take a careful moral inventory of ourselves. When we see a need to repent, we must take the necessary action to correct our mistakes. If left unchecked our sins will grow and become bitter pains in our thoughts and in our hearts. "Sin is like cancer in the body. It will never heal itself. It will become progressively worse unless cured through the medicine of repentance. You can be made completely whole, new, purified, and clean every whit, through the miracle of repentance." (Richard G. Scott, Ensigh, May 1986)

In April Conference 1986, Elder Richard G. Scott said the following. "If you, through poor judgment, were to cover your shoes with mud, would you leave them that way? Of course not. You would cleanse and restore them. Would you then gather the residue of the mud and place it in an envelope to show others the mistake that you made? No. Neither should you continue to relive forgiven sin. Every time such thoughts come into your mind, turn your heart in gratitude to the Savior, who gave His life that we, through faith in Him and obedience to His teachings, can overcome transgression and conquer its depressing influence in our lives." (Ensigh, May 1986)

As abuse victims, we often have poor models for behavior growing up. We have a lot of psychological trauma that permeates every aspect of our lives. Many times we do not know how to handle certain situations appropriately, and often our thoughts and behaviors are negative toward ourselves and others. Because of the hurt we have been through, we hurt others--intentionally or not. Many abuse victims turn to drugs, alcohol, violence, and other addicting behaviors in an attempt to self-medicate the pain they deal with.

I have found that I have a number of things to work on. I have a lot of anger that stems from the abuse I endured. It is difficult to find an appropriate way to handle my hurt, anger, and frustration, and often I lash out at those I care about most. I also have the urge to run away from my problems. When I feel I cannot handle a tough situation, I want to crawl in bed and hide--or get as far away from it as possible. In the process I have hurt many people, most of all my husband, my parents, and my siblings. It is a daily struggle for me to overcome the negative habits I have learned. They are so deep-rooted within me I sometimes feel I can never change.

But like Elder Scott said, sin is like cancer. And, like the process of healing from cancer, it can be very long, frustrating, and painful. There may be relapses. But with the help of the Savior we can be made whole, and send our cancer into remission.

I know that it is possible to change. There have been many things I have learned to change over the long years of repentance. It may take a lifetime and beyond to completely remove the negative effects of abuse, but it is possible.

I Have A Question: Forgiveness and Contact with Your Abuser

originally posted at modern molly mormon

The following article hits home with me, as my abuser is a member of my family: my uncle. Many abusers are family members, close ones: brothers, fathers, mothers, grandfathers. It can be extremely difficult to heal and figure out if interacting with your abuser will cause more problems. It is possible to forgive and choose to stay away from your abuser completely. Sometimes that is the best way to protect yourself emotionally. Some people are able to be around their abuser. I have chosen to stay away from mine completely, at least for now. There is nothing wrong with this. I can still work toward forgiving him without being around him.

Question: Am I in error to avoid all contact with a family member who has seriously wronged me and continues to emotionally abuse me? I harbor no bitterness toward this person, yet my spouse wonders if I am nevertheless being unforgiving.

By Maxine Murdock, “I Have a Question,” Ensign, June 1994, 60–61 Maxine Murdock, retired member of the Brigham Young University Psychology Department.

Emotional abuse and mistreatment that occur over an extended period of time can be devastating. Those so wronged have the right and responsibility to protect themselves.

If a perpetrator is not a family member, avoiding all contact might be easy. But terminating contact with an abusive family member is difficult, particularly for Latter-day Saints, because of the emphasis we place on the importance of family ties. Nevertheless, victims of abuse must protect themselves from family members and others who freely choose to mistreat them.

Avoiding contact, for a while at least, may sometimes be the only way to achieve that end. When the time is right and if a perpetrator has repented and abandoned abusive behavior, minimal contact might be initiated, perhaps through cards or letters on holidays. Later, a phone call might be appropriate. It may help to make such contact impersonal at first. When renewing personal visits, those who have been wronged should consider doing so in group situations that provide a safe atmosphere and an opportunity to gauge the offender’s behavior and reaction toward renewed contact.

Visits should be brief at first. One of the best ways to determine how, when, and whether to proceed is to appeal for heavenly help through prayer. Those who have been abused, not their well-meaning friends or relatives, must determine when to reinitiate contact.

The ability to discard bitterness is a big step toward reconciliation and forgiveness. Many individuals who have been abused express frustration over their inability to grant forgiveness. The offended often receive great pressure from others to forgive their offender. They are told, “You can’t heal until you forgive.”

Forgiveness is a personal and often lengthy process. Condemning those who have difficulty forgiving places an additional burden on them. Sometimes, under pressure, they will say, “Yes, I forgive,” while deep inside, the hurt not only remains but is compounded by guilt because they do not really believe their own words. On the other hand, those who have been abused should remember that forgiveness is a gospel principle that eventually brings peace of mind. Forgiveness is not only possible but is an essential part of healing, though in some cases it may take years to forgive. “You cannot erase what has been done, but you can forgive,” said Elder Richard G. Scott of the Quorum of the Twelve. “Forgiveness heals terrible, tragic wounds, for it allows the love of God to purge your heart and mind of the poison of hate. It cleanses your consciousness of the desire for revenge. It makes place for the purifying, healing, restoring love of the Lord” (Ensign, May 1992, p. 33).

The Savior said, “Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you; that ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven” (Matt. 5:44–45). Although we do not have the same degree of knowledge that the Lord has, we do have his counsel. While he will forgive whom he will forgive, it is required of us, no matter how arduous the task, “to forgive all men” (D&C 64:10).

Small offenses may be fairly easy to forgive—especially those resulting from accidents, carelessness, or insensitivity. But offenses that are long lasting or that cause deep wounds to the soul are much more difficult to forgive, particularly when an offender does not care, feel sorry, apologize, or even recognize the offense.

Elder Scott further taught, “Forgiveness … can be hard to understand, even more difficult to give. Begin by withholding judgment. … Leave the handling of aggressors to others. As you experience an easing of your own pain, full forgiveness will come more easily” (Ensign, May 1992, pp. 32–33).

True forgiveness often develops slowly, a little at a time, perhaps even unconsciously at first. No one can predict how long it should take to forgive. As friends, family, priesthood leaders, or professional helpers, we must be patient with those seeking to forgive. Few of us can see or feel the invisible wounds they have suffered.

Forgiveness does not require acceptance of abuse or acceptance of an abusive person. But when hurt has healed, when victims have realized that the abuse is not something they caused or deserved, when they have tried sincerely to understand the offender, and when they have prayed for charity and spiritual guidance, then peace of mind and true forgiveness will come.

forgiveness can heal

originally posted at modern molly mormon

Forgiving instead of nurturing retribution will help heal the conflicts that fracture our society.

Just as important, when we forgive, our own wounds begin to heal. As we faithfully surrender to the Savior the pain caused us by others, the power of the Atonement heals our wounded hearts, lifts our burdens of sorrow, and brings peace to our families, to our neighborhoods, and to our own souls.
The Apostle Paul reminds us, "Be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you." (Eph 4:32)

The judgment and forgiving are the Savior's perogative, for only he can forgive and wash away our sins. He reminds us, "This is my church. It is my name through which they will be saved. It is through my sacrifice. It is I who will judge." (See Mosiah 26:10-24)

How often do we forget who has the right to judge? Forgiveness of sin depends on Him, not on us.

the savior requires us to forgive

originally posted at modern molly mormon

Am I required to forgive my abuser even if they have not repented?

It is sometimes hard to forgive others, especially when we have been deeply hurt. We may replay an offender's sin against us long after the person has repented -- and even after God remembers the sin no more (see D&C 58:42).

This is especially true when the hurt and needed repentance is between family members. But harboring hurts from others can canker our souls. It prevents us from experiencing the full blessings of the Atonement. Indeed, when we fail to forgive, we bear the grater sin (see D&C 64:9-10).

President Gordon B. Hinckley has said, "There is a mighty power of healing in Christ, and...if we are to be his true servants, we must not only exercise that healing power in behalf of others, but, perhaps more important, inwardly." It takes true faith in Jesus Christ to submit offenses against us to the power of his atonement.

The Savior requires us to forgive. We cannot fully heal if we do not put the hurt and bitterness behind us. The Lord understands how difficult this can be, especially with something like abuse. Even if our abuser does not recognize his or her sins against us, we are still required to forgive them. The Lord will justly deal with them. For us, we are required to be like the Savior, and forgive.

a mighty power of healing

originally posted at modern molly mormon

How can praying for those who have wronged us bring peace?

"[Cast] all your care upon him; for he careth for you." (1 Peter 5:7).

During his final days, the Savior's chief Apostle denied even knowing Him. The Savior could have condemned Peter, but he did not (see Luke 22:55-62). And Peter responded with deeper faith and commitment, eventually presiding over the Lord's church.

Jesus Christ could also have condemned the Romans' cruel crucifixion. But, as he hung on the cross, even in his agony, Jesus forgave those who crucified him, asking his Father, "Forgive them; for they know not what they do" (Luke 23:34).

From "A Mighty Power of Healing," Liahona, May 1996.

If Jesus Christ will forgive Peter for denying him, he will forgive us for our mistakes. We are asked to forgive others for their mistakes, as well. We can become better people, more like the Savior, if we choose to forgive those who have wronged us, no matter how difficult it may be. If we pray to Heavenly Father for them, the way Christ did, we can show our willingness to forgive to the Lord. We will be casting our cares upon Him, and He will bless us.

let bitterness be put away from you

originally posted at modern molly mormon

How do I put away feelings that I didn't ask for in the first place, emotions that I feel so strongly?

The scriptures suggest that bitterness is not something just to be tolerated but something to be given up. Paul counseled, "Let all bitterness...be put away from you, with all malice: and be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you." (Eph. 4:31-32.)

We must reconsider our view of where bad feelings come from. Bitterness, and feelings like it, cannot develop into a lasting attitude unless we cultivate these feelings. In clinging to bitterness, we blind ourselves to the fact that we are doing just that.

When we harden our hearts, gospel counsel looks unrealistic or impossible. But when we soften our hearts, amazingly, we begin to ask different questions of ourselves and allow the Lord to comfort us in our search of peace. A scriptural example of this is the account of Enoch's vision. When Enoch was shown the fate of those in the Flood, "he had bitterness of soul, and wept over his brethren, and said unto the heavens: I will refuse to be comforted." (Moses 7:44).

Even Enoch had to learn that to refuse to be comforted is to consciously spurn the comfort of God. "The Lord said unto Enoch: Lift up your heart, and be glad; and look." (Moses 7:44). Enoch's refusal to be comforted and his bitterness of soul went hand in hand. Yet the Lord did not abandon him, but continues the vision, showing Enoch that the descendants of Noah would all be given the possibility of sanctification and eternal life.

If the Atonement is applicable to Enoch, who repented of his "bitterness of soul," then persons suffering bitterness about abuse, about divorce, about any negative experience can similarly repent and similarly receive comfort. But we must first accept the idea that we are agents, capable of acting rather than simply being acted upon. We gain greater understanding by asking ourselves the following questions:

Have I refused to be comforted by the Lord?
In prayer have I truly sought meekness and lowliness of heart in order to be comforted by the Lord?
Am I willing to cast my burden on the Savior so that I can get on with life and be at peace?

Excerpts taken from 'Freedom From Bitterness' in the 1991 Ensign, by Terrence Olsen

forgiveness often does more for the forgiver

originally published at modern molly mormon

Is it required of me to truly forgive someone who has altered my life so drastically?

In the January 1974 Ensign, Elder Marion D. Hanks said the following.

"What is our response when we are offended misunderstood, unfairly or unkindly treated, or sinned against, made an offender for a word, falsely accused, passed over, hurt by those we love, our offerings rejected? Do we resent, become bitter, and hold a grudge? Or do we resolve the problem if we can, forgive and rid ourselves of the burden?"

"The nature of our response to such situation smay well determine the nature and quality of our lives, here and eternally."

Forgiveness can be one of the hardest steps that we have to take as victims of abuse. It is often a long process, which requires a lot of prayer and fasting. Often it seems unfair that the Lord would require us to forgive when we have been wronged. However, if we will remember everything our Father in HEaven requires of us is for our own good, we will begin to understand that forgiveness is really for us, the wounded ones.

Boyd K. Packer said it like this.

"This is my counsel to you. If you have festering sores, a grudge, some bitterness, disappointment, or jealousy, get hold of yourself. You may not be able to control things out there with others but you can control things here, inside of you. It will then be as though a cloudy, dirty film has been erased from the world around you' and though the problem may remain, the sun will come out. The beam will have been lifted from your eyes. There will come a peace that surpasseth understanding." (Ensign, November 1977)

And H. Burke Peterson summed it all up very well when he counseled,
"Forgiveness of others for wrongs, imaginary or real, often does more for the forgiver than for the forgiven." (Ensign, November 1983)

Forgiveness is something I am still working on. I still harbor some very negative feelings toward my abuser. However, I know the importance of forgiveness. And although it may take many more years, I will continue to work toward being able to truly forgive him for what he has done to me.

autobiography in five short chapters

originally posted at Modern Molly Mormon

I'm not going to take away from this poem with my personal commentary. I would like everyone to read it and gather their own meaning from it. I would love for you to share your interpretation and how it applies to you in the comments!

Autobiography
in Five Short Chapters
by Portia Nelson

I
I walk down the street
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in
I am lost . . . I am helpless
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

II
I walk down the same street,
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place.
But it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

III
I walk down the same street
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in . . . it's a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

IV
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

V
I walk down another street.

Obedience Can Bring Us Peace and Comfort: Part 2

originally posted at Modern Molly Mormon

So what does the word "obedience" mean to you? The connotation of the word "obedience" varies by person. For some, being obedient is synonymous with blind following. For some, it is doing what is asked. For others, it is joyful to be obedient. And some of us see obedience as being forced to do something.

We have been taught that being obedient to God's commandments is the way to show Him our love and respect for Him. Being obedient is difficult. Sometimes extremely so. But the peace and love we will receive at the end of our journey is worth more than the pain and obstacles we will experience in reaching the end.

The following excerpts are from a talk by Conrad Schultz, called "Faith Obedience," published in the May 2002 Ensign.

"One of the sneaky ploys of the adversary is to have us believe that unquestioning obedience to the principles and commandments of God is blind obedience. His goal is to have us believe that we should be following our own worldly ways and selfish ambitions. This he does by persuading us that 'blindly' following the prophets and obeying the commandments is not thinking for ourselves. He teaches that it is not intelligent to do something just because we are told to do so by a living prophet or by prophets who speak to us from the scriptures."

"Our unquestioning obedience to the Lord's commandments is not blind obedience. President Boyd K. Packer in the April conference of 1983 taught us about this: 'Latter-Day Saints are not obedient because they are compelled to be obedient. They are obedient because they know certain spiritual truths and have decided, as an expression of their own individual agency, to obey the commandments of God....We are not obedient because we are blind, we are obedient because we can see.'"

"We might call this 'faith obedience.' With faith, Abraham was obedient in preparing Isaac for sacrifice; with faith, Nephi was obedient in obtaining the brass plates; with faith, a little child obediently jumps from a height into the strong arms of his father. 'Faith Obedience' is a matter of trust. The question is simple: Do we trust our Heavenly Father?"

I find it very interesting that as children we are so trusting, and as adults we are quick to be cautious and distrustful. Even more so for those of us who have been through something traumatic, like abuse. If our trust is breached in such a horrific way, it can be difficult to trust anyone, including the Lord. So just like Brother Schultz asked, do we trust our Heavenly Father? Do we trust what He has said to us through the scriptures, through our prophets, and through our own personal revelation? We have been given agency, one of the greatest gifts we could receive. We need to use our agency, our intelligence, our ability to make choices for ourselves, to decide to be obedient to the Lord's commandments.

We may not always know why the Lord asks us to do something. Abraham, for example, did not know why the Lord asked him to sacrifice his son Isaac. He did not want to do it. But he had faith in the Lord. He trusted the Lord. And he was blessed beyond measure. We can also be blessed beyond measure, if we trust in the Lord and do as he asks. These blessings will include healing. These blessings will include peace. These blessings will include comfort, increased knowledge, increased faith, the ability to learn and grow as a person.

The Lord loves us, and He is constantly with us. He will guide us and love us every day of our lives--and beyond. He loves us, because we are His children.

I have expressed my love for this scripture before, but I want to share it with you again. "Well done, thou good and faithful servant. Thou hast been faithful in a few things, I will make thee ruler over many things. Enter thou into the joy of the Lord."

I long for the day that I will hear that. I long for the day, after doing my best to be obedient, that I will be allowed to enter into the joy of the Lord.

I know that we all have the opportunity to reach this beautiful end. We are all given the opportunity to be obedient. The rewards of obedience will far surpass anything we can even begin to imagine.

Obedience Can Bring Us Peace and Comfort: Part 1

originally posted at Modern Molly Mormon

"Obedience is the first law of heaven, the cornerstone upon which all righteousness and progression rest."
-Bruce R. McConkie

Abuse may distort our perceptions about obedience. As victims we may have been taught to obey at all costs. Any mistake may have led to severe physical, emotional or sexual punishment. As adults we may have adopted perfectionist tendencies, or live in fear of punishments that may come if a mistake is made. Sometimes victims of abuse go to the other extreme and rebel against authority and/or God.

Many who have been abused find it difficult to feel the influence of the Holy Ghost as well as to feel answers to prayer. Although we may interpret this as a lack of Heavenly Father's love, there is another explanation. A basic defense children use against sexual abuse is to shut down their feelings, helping them to get through the trauma. Yet this response also cuts them off from positive feelings. As a result, those who have been abused may have difficulty feeling the love of Heavenly Father, His servants, and other nurturing people in their lives.

One of Adam's great religious acts has become the classical illustration of perfect obedience. This first man of all men was commanded by the Lord to offer the firstlings of his flocks as a sacrifice, which he did. "Thereupon an angel appeared to him and asked: 'Why dost thou offer sacrifices unto the Lord?' and Adam said unto him, 'I know not, save the Lord commanded me.'" Then the angel told him the purpose and significance of sacrifice. (Moses 5:5-8) It should be noted that obedience preceded receipt of the new revelation.

As shown by Adam, obedience requires trust and faith, two attributes that are often damaged by abuse. When we align ourselves with God, everything in our life will either fall into place, or it will fall out of our life.

I have found in my life that I do not feeling as if I am controlled by anyone or anything. This has been a major roadblock in my being obedient--to my parents, my leaders, and even Heavenly Father. I responded to the abuse by rebelling in many ways, which caused a lot of disharmony in my family relationships. Now that I am an adult, I can handle these situations more maturely. But I still don't like feeling as if I am being told to do something. I am continuing to work on the obedience aspect of the gospel.

Almost without exception, we are encouraged to seek answers and healing from scripture reading and prayer. It is almost a cliche and we may fear that as we seek help from a church leader we will be dismissed with an unsympathetic "read your scriptures and pray." Unfortunately, in many cases this is what we may encounter. Yet, as we humble ourselves and turn to the Lord through prayer and scripture study, we can receive help we wouldn't have found otherwise.

President Benson said, "'From a child thou has known the holy scriptures, whicdh are able to make thee wise unto salvation' (2 Timothy 3:14-15). My dear brethren [and sisters], this is an answer to the great challenge of our time. The word of God, as found in the scriptures, in the words of living prophets, and in personal revelation, has the power to fortify the Saints and arm them with the Spirit so they can resist evil, hold fast to the good, and find joy in this life."

I have found in my own experience that my greatest joy comes from doing the things the Lord has asked of me. Lately I have really struggled when it comes to scripture study--and even my own personal prayers. It has been a rough couple of years and my faith has really been tested. It is still being tested. I am making a goal right here, right now, to get myself back on track, to facilitate my continued healing, to progress in my growth as a person, a wife, and a mother, by obeying the Lord's commandments.

"For verily I say unto you, blessed is he that keepeth my commandments, whether in life or in death; and he that is faithful in tribulation, the reward of the same is greater in the kingdom of heaven." (D&C 58:2)

I would like to challenge each of you to do your best in keeping the Lord's commandments. We each struggle with something different. For me, it is scripture study and prayer. For someone else, it may be swearing. For another, the word of wisdom, and for another, it may be something very different. I know that the Lord loves all of us. He wants us to be happy. He has told us that happiness comes from obedience. He has given us the way, now we just need to follow it. We are His children, and He wants only the best for us. Let's live up to our potential as His children and work hard to do as He has asked.

suffering messengers of light

originally posted at modern molly mormon

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this article came from the ensign in august of 1986. i tried a few times to take a few parts from it to write this post, but found that it was impossible to do so and have the meaning conveyed well. this week, instead of sharing my personal experience, i will let this article speak for itself.

"I Have a Question"
by Carlfred Broderick, professor of Sociology, University of Southern California

"Q: So many children are abused, offended, and abandoned. If little children are precious to God, what justification can there be for permitting some to be born into such circumstances?

A: As children of God, we have been given the great gift of choice.

We may choose to help, or we may choose to hurt. Unfortunately, as the Lord explained to Moses, the iniquities of one generation are often visited upon the heads of following generations. (See Exodus 20:5) Anyone can see the truth of that saying by looking at many families in the world today. Often, troubled families seem to pass on their pain and darkness—virtually intact—to their children and grandchildren. The victim of one generation becomes the victimizer of the next.

On the other hand, the Lord told the prophet Ezekiel:

“What mean ye, that ye use this proverb concerning the land of Israel, saying, The fathers have eaten sour grapes, and the children’s teeth are set on edge? As I live, saith the Lord God, ye shall not have occasion any more to use this proverb in Israel. Behold, all souls are mine; as the soul of the father, so also the soul of the son is mine: the soul that sinneth, it shall die.” (Ezek. 18:2-4)

This scripture suggests that children need not merely replicate the sins of their fathers, but that each generation is held accountable for its own choices.

Indeed, my experience in various church callings and in my profession as a family therapist has convinced me that God actively intervenes in some destructive lineages, assigning a valiant spirit to break the chain of destructiveness in such families. Although these children may suffer innocently as victims of violence, neglect, and exploitation, through the grace of God some find the strength to “metabolize” the poison within themselves, refusing to pass it on to future generations. Before them were generations of destructive pain; after them the line flows clear and pure. Their children and children’s children will call them blessed.In suffering innocently that others might not suffer, such persons, in some degree, become as “saviors on Mount Zion” by helping to bring salvation to a lineage.

I have had the privilege of knowing many such individuals people whose backgrounds are full of incredible pain and humiliation. I think of a young woman who was repeatedly abused sexually by her father. When at last she gained the courage to tell her mother, the girl was angrily beaten and rejected by her.

These experiences made the girl bitter and self-doubting. Yet, despite all odds, she has made peace with God and found a trustworthy husband with whom she is raising a righteous family. Moreover, she has dedicated her energies to helping other women with similar backgrounds eliminate the poison from their own lineages.

I think of a young man whose mother died when he was twelve and whose father responded to that loss by locking his son in his room, then drinking and entertaining women in the house. When he would come to let the boy out, he would beat him senseless, sometimes breaking bones and causing concussions.

As might be expected, the young man grew up full of confusion, self-hate, and resentment. Yet the Lord did not leave him so, but provided friends and opportunities for growth. Today, through a series of spiritually healing miracles, this young man is preparing for a temple marriage to a good woman. Together they are committed to bringing children up in righteousness and gentleness and love.

In a former era, the Lord sent a flood to destroy unworthy lineages. In this generation, it is my faith that he has sent numerous choice individuals to help purify them.

In the days of Jeremiah, the Lord used some of the same language he would later use in speaking to Ezekiel:

“In those days they shall say no more, The fathers have eaten a sour grape, and the children’s teeth are set on edge. But every one shall die for his own iniquity: every man that eateth the sour grape, his teeth shall be set on edge.” (Jer. 31:29–30.)

Then he went on to say of this new, covenant generation: “I will put my law in their inward parts, and write it in their hearts; and will be their God, and they shall be my people.” (Jer. 31:33.)

Most of us, I believe, are acquainted with one or more of these valiant, struggling spirits. In the latter stages of their progress, they are easy to recognize and appreciate. But sometimes in the early stages they are suffering so much from their terrible wounds that it takes a mature degree of spiritual sensitivity to see past the bitterness and pain to discern the purity of spirit within. It is our duty and our privilege to befriend such individuals and to provide whatever assistance and support we can in helping them to achieve their high destiny.

Others of us may be, ourselves, the suffering messengers of light. Let us be true to our divine commission, forgoing bitterness and following in our Savior’s footsteps."

using faith to heal: part 2

originally posted at modern molly mormon

--------------------------------------------------

i read this excerpt from a book called "believing Christ" by stephen e. robinson.

"i was sitting in a chair reading. my daughter, sarah, who was seven years old at the time, came in and said, 'dad, can i have a bike? i'm the only kid on the block who doesn't have one.'

well, i didn't have the money then, for a bike, so i stalled her. i said, 'sure, sarah.'

she said, 'how? when?'

i said, 'you save all your pennies, and soon you'll have enough for a bike.' and she went away.

a couple of weeks later i was sitting in the same chair when i heard a 'clink, clink' in sarah's bedroom. i asked, 'sarah, what are you doing?' she came to me with a little jar, a slit cut in the lid, and a bunch of pennies in the bottom. she said, 'you promised me that if i saved all my pennies, pretty soon i'd have enough for a bike. and, daddy, i've saved every single one of them.'

my heart melted. my daughter was doing everything in her power to follow my instructions. i hadn't actually lied to her. if she saved all over her pennies, she would eventually have enough for a bike, but by then she would want a car. i said, 'let's go look at bikes.'

we went to every store in town. finally we found it-the perfect bicycle. she was thrilled. then she saw the price tag, and her face fell. she started to cry. 'oh, dad, i'll never have enough for a bicycle!'

so i said, 'sarah, how much do you have?'

she answered, 'sixty-one cents.'

'i'll tell you what. you give me everything you've got and a hug and a kiss, and the bike is yours.' then i drove home very slowly because she insisted on riding the bike home.

as i drove beside her, i thought of the atonement of Christ. we all desperately want the celestial kingdom. we want to be with our Father in Heaven. but no matter how hard we try, we come up short. at some point all of us must realize, 'i can't do this by myself. i need help.' then it is that the Savior says, in effect, all right, you're not perfect. but what can you do? give me all you have, and i'll do the rest."

i love this story. this little girl had faith that if she did what her daddy told her, and save all her pennies, she would get a bike. she did what he asked--but her father made up the rest.

the same it is with us, and Christ. we must have faith that we can be healed through the atonement. we must do our best, work our hardest, and allow the Lord to make up the rest.in going through the healing process following my abuse, i spent many nights praying in tears. pouring my soul out to the Lord, telling Him that i couldn't do it. that there was no way i could get through this, that i could heal and overcome this. it was just too hard. i was so discouraged. for years i believed that i would be miserable forever. and honestly, i still believe that sometimes. but the truth is that i won't be, if i do my part and allow the Lord to do His. sometimes our part is just like this story--coming up with sixty-one cents when the cost is a hundred dollars. that that hundred dollars is there for us. we must ask the Lord for His help.

as i come to realize more and more that i cannot do this alone, i am starting to ask for help. i am relying more upon the Lord and His strength. and i am healing. slowly--and many times painfully--but the result is there. the wounds are healing. the scars are fading. i will never forget what i have been through. i will never forget the pain and the struggle. but i can look back on it, and see it, and see how far i have come, and have no pain.

there is no way for me to fully heal without the Lord's help, and love, and understanding. but there is no way for me to take advantage of His help without first believing that He can and will.and He can help. and He will help. He wants to help, more than we could ever understand.

using faith to heal: part 1

the newest post in my feature at modern molly mormon. go check it out.

and leave comments...they're what keep me going. :)

originally posted at modern molly mormon. i decided to also post it over here, on my personal blog.

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the first principle of the gospel is faith, as we are taught in the fourth article of faith.

but what is faith? faith is something so intangible, something that can be so vague to some and yet so clear to others. moroni teaches that "faith is things which are hoped for and not seen" (ether 12:6). all through the scriptures we are bombarded with examples of faith. moroni also teaches that we "receive no witness until after the trial of [our] faith."

one of my favorite scripture stories comes from moses. the children of Israel were plagued with serpents. they were dying from these snake bites. the Lord commanded Moses to create a brazen serpent, and lift it up on a pole. "and as many as should look upon that serpent should live" and be healed from the venomous bites. many people died, because they thought it was ridiculous. looking at a snake on a pole, healing them from their bites? if someone told you to do that, would you believe them? i probably wouldn't! but those who had faith, who looked up at the brazen serpent, lived. (see helaman 8:14-15, john 3:14-15)

in april conference of 1981, elder loren c. dunn said, "faith is the realization that the Lord can help us with all things." this includes healing from our pain. both physically, as shown with the children of israel, and emotionally.

often as victims of abuse, we wonder why Heavenly Father would allow such horrible things to happen to His children. we may question whether He is aware of our suffering, and we may even wonder if he cares about us at all.

in our attempt to understand why these things happen, we must come to believe that we are daughters of a loving Father who wants us to be happy. in fact, His love is so great that he gave us the gift of agency. this gift allows us to choose for ourselves the path we will follow. we may choose to keep the commandments and receive His promised blessings. the choice to disobey is also ours, and when doing so, we must be prepared to accept the consequences of our actions.

likewise when others make mistakes or sin, we may in turn become the victims of their actions.

marvin j. ashton explained this in the following way. "our freedom to choose our course of conduct does not provide personal freedom from the consequences of our performances. God's love for us is constant and will not diminish, but he cannot rescue us from the painful results that are caused by wrong choices."

He can, however, help us heal from that pain. but we must have faith in His willingness and ability to do so.

in a talk titled "answers to life's questions," elder m. russell ballard teaches that "life's most challenging questions seem to be those that begin with the word why. 'why is life so hard?' 'why is there so much sorrow, hate, and unhappiness in the world?' 'why does death take the young?' and 'why must the innocent suffer?' we all have wrestled with such questions from time to time as we struggle with the vicissitudes of mortality...i believe the only satisfying answers to such questions come from the comforting perspective of faith in our Heavenly Father and His eternal plan for our happiness.

the prophet alma called the pain 'the great plan of happiness' (alma 42:8). it is known more commonly as the plan of salvation. it is beautiful in its simplicity to all who seek prayerfully to know and understand the true meaning and purpose of life.what a wonderful, warm, and reassuring thing it is to know that the primary objective of the very God of heaven is 'the immortality and eternal life of man' (moses 1:39), or, in other words, our eternal happiness and joy. sometimes i wonder if we really appreciate what that means and how it should affect our lives.

critical to our knowledge of the plain of happiness is an understanding of the great governing principle of agency. a person does not have to spend much time in the schoolroom of mortality to realize that Heavenly Father's plan does not provide for blissful happiness at every step along our mortal journey. life is filled with harsh realities that tug at the heart and tear away at the soul.

one cannot look at suffering, regardless of its causes or origins, without feeling pain and compassion. i can understand why someone who lacks an eternal perspective might see the horrifying news footage of starving children and man's inhumanity to man and shake a fist at the heavens and cry, 'if there is a God, how could He allow such things to happen?'

much adversity is man-made. men's hearts turn cold, and the spirit of satan controls their actions. in foreseeing the day of suffering in our time, the Savior said, 'the love of men shall wax cold, and iniquity shall abound' (d&c 45:27). violence, immorality, and other evils run rampant on the earth. much adversity has its origin in the principle of agency. often overlooked is the fact that choices have consequences; we forget also that agency offers the same privilege of choice to others. at times we will be affected adversely by the way other people choose to exercise their agency. our Heavenly Father feels so strongly about protecting our agency that he allows his children to exercise it, either for good or for evil.

we mortals have a limited view of life from the eternal perspective. but if we know and understand Heavenly Father's plan, we realize that dealing with adversity is one of the chief ways we are tested. our faith in our Heavenly Father and his beloved Son, Jesus Christ, is the source of inner strength. through faith we can find peace, comfort, and the courage to endure. as we trust in God and his plan for our happiness with all our hearts and lean not unto our own understanding (see proverbs 3:5), hope is born. hope grows out of faith and gives meaning and purpose to all we do. it can give us comfort in the face of adversity, strength in times of trial, and peace when we have reason for doubt of anguish.

when the plan of our Heavenly Father is understood, the answers to life's questions are found in the gospel of Christ. Jesus said, 'peace i leave with you, my peace i give unto you: not as the world giveth, give i unto you. let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid' (john 14:27)."

i understand how difficult it can be to understand the Lord's plan. i have been there, shaking my fist as heaven, questioning why things happen. if God really does care, if He knows what i am going through. the truth is this: He does know. and He does care. we must have faith in Him, in His ability to help us. in His plan for our happiness.i do not believe that suffering is His plan. i do not believe that he causes bad things to happen. what i do believe is that He allows us to make our own choices, and to deal with those consequences. if the Lord stopped every bad thing from happening, we would not learn or grow. we would not learn to take responsibility for our actions. we would not learn forgiveness, or the importance of the atonement. the Lord can, and i believe sometimes does, help us to avoid bad situations.

have you ever been prompted to do something you didn't understand, then later realize you had avoided something terrible?

my dad shared an experience had had in high school with me a long time ago. he was driving on the freeway, going home from a basketball tournament. he felt prompted to get off the freeway, and go get a drink at a gas station. he ignored it, and felt it a second time. the second time he was impressed to get off the freeway, he did. a few minutes later when he got back on, he came upon a terrible car accident caused by a drunk driver. he told me he didn't know if he would have been involved, but that he sure is glad he decided to follow the prompting of the Spirit to stop and get that drink.

now although this experience is kind of a drastic one, i believe that we are prompted to avoid even the tiniest of disasters. we may never even know we are avoiding them. with all of the bad that does occur, that the Lord does not actively stop, i believe there are thousands of bad things the Lord helps us to avoid. we can continue to do so if we have faith in Him, if we trust Him, and if we choose to follow His commandments.

who am i?

i have a new post over at modern molly mormon today, called "who am i?"

it's the latest installment in my feature surviving life's experiences.

it's a really good one, i promise it is worth the read.
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our Heavenly Father is aware of each of us in our times of trial. because we are His children and He loves each of us, He rejoices with us in happy times, and weeps with us when we mourn. as we come to understand this truth we will feel his presence in our lives and be able to turn to him for comfort as we begin to heal.

if any of you have not had the joy of reading the book "no doubt about it" by sheri dew--i am telling you to. not asking, telling! it is an AMAZING book and i believe that every woman in the church should read it. my senior year of high school, when i was participating in SOLE, my counselor recommended the book to me. i normally hate reading books like that. i can't even tell you how many religious books i have started to read and never finished--with the exception of all of those lds romance novels. they don't hold my attention. i get bored. i get confused. i have major brain overload. (how funny it is that i can sit down and read macbeth beginning to end and not have that brain overload thing, but i read more than a chapter or two of a religious book and my head hurts.) anyway. my mom had a copy so i decided to read it.

it was an amazing experience for me. suddenly i was looking at myself in an entirely different way. the biggest, most far-reaching affect of the abuse i've experienced is this: i have very little, and at times no, self-esteem. i will not go into details here--but i have been in the very depths of despair, as far as they can possibly go, because of the self loathing i have had. i have ups and downs, overall i am doing much better now, but i still have periods of time where i feel worthless. i am not worthless. i am a child of God, the same way each and every one of us are. one of the most vital pieces of knowledge we can have is this. and in healing from our pain, in dealing with our trials, in handling everyday life, we MUST know who we are. we MUST know where we came from and where we are going.

the following excerpts i will use are from sheri dew, in a talk she gave called "knowing who you are--and who you have always been."

sister dew, a former general relief society president, grew up painfully shy and with no self-confidence. one night her 16 year old niece and her friend had a sleep over at sister dew's. sister dew talked to them about her lack of self esteem. the girls asked how she got over feeling that way, and this was her response."i told them that the reason was a spiritual one: it wasn't until i began to understand how the Lord felt about me that my feelings about myself and my life slowly began to change."

how do we know how the Lord feels? how do we find out how He feels about us?

sister dew tells us that "there is nothing more vital to our success and our happiness here than learning to hear the voice of the Spirit. it is the Spirit who reveals to us our identity--which isn't just who we are but who we have always been. and that when we know, our lives take on a sense of purpose so stunning that we can never be the same again." (emphasis added.)

how beautiful that phrase is! "our lives take on a sense of purpose so stunning that we can never be the same again." and how true it is, as well. think about it: how often to use self-defeating language? how often to you push away compliments? how often to you get down on yourself, get discouraged, and depressed because of mistakes you make? how often do we look in the mirror and long to look differently? whether it is losing weight, a different nose, bigger (or even smaller!) boobs, a different hair color or eye color, that mole to go away? how much money do we spend a year buying expensive make-up and clothing to make ourselves look better, and ultimately to feel better about ourselves? there is nothing wrong with wanting to look beautiful. but we need to recognize the fact that WE ARE BEAUTIFUL, because WE ARE DAUGHTERS OF GOD. we are His children, made in His own image. we can change the way we view ourselves from a negative to a positive image."

as a people, we talk and sing constantly about who we are. three-year-olds know the words to "i am a child of God." the proclamation on the family declares that we each have a divine destiny. the second young women's value is divine nature. and the very first words in the relief society declaration are, 'we are beloved spirit daughters of God, and our lives have meaning, purpose, and direction.' and yet, with all our talking, do we really believe? do we really understand? has this transcendent doctrine about who we are--meaning who we have always been and, therefore, who we may become--permeated our hearts?

our spirits long for us to remember the truth about who we are, because the way we see ourselves, our sense of identity, affects everything we do. it affects the way we behave, the way we respond to uncertainty, the way we see others, the way we feel about ourselves, and the way we make choices. it affects the very way we live our lives. so, today, i invite you to ponder in a new way not just who you are, but who you have always been."

one of the hardest things to comprehend, at least for me, is who i was before coming to earth. everyone has this loss of memory--thanks to the veil. president lorenzo snow taught that "Jesus was a God before he came into the world and yet his knowledge was taken from him. He did not know his former greatness, neither do we know what greatness we had attained to before we came here." he also taught that during the Savior's life "it was revealed unto Him who He was, and for what purpose He was in the world. the glory and power He possessed before He came into the world was made known unto Him." just as Christ was able to learn who He was and to know what His purpose on earth was, so can we.

sister dew says, "unveiling this knowledge would be easier if we could remember what happened in our premortal life. but we can't. we can't remember the glory of our former home. we have forgotten the language we spoke there and our dear companions with whom we associated. we cannot recall the 'first lessons [we learned] in the world of spirits' (d&c 138:56) or the identities of our heavenly tutors. we cannot remember what promises we made to ourselves and to others and to the Lord. nor can we remember our place in the Lord's heavenly kingdom or the spiritual maturity we achieved there."

there are some things we do know, however.
1. we know that we were there. we were part of the Lord's council, before the earth was created.
2. we were present when Heavenly Father presented His plan.
3. we saw the Savior chosen and appointed, and we supported it.
4. we were there, fighting on the side of truth, when satan rebelled against the Lord. president george q. cannon said that "we stood loyally by God and by Jesus, and did not flinch." (emphasis added)

because of our faithfulness in our premortal lives, we were chosen to be "among the elect whom the Lord has called during this 'eleventh hour' to labor in His vineyard. God, who say the 'end from the beginning' (abraham 2:8), foresaw perfectly what these times would demand. " president cannon taught that "God...reserved spirits for this dispensation who [would] have the courage and determination to face the world, and all the powers of the evil one," and who would "build up the Zion of our God, fearless of all consequences."

fearless. courageous. determined. faithful. elect. how can we not be filled with joy and purpose when we hear these words? how can we doubt ourselves? we fought without flinching, against satan. if we could do it there, we can do it here on earth."can you imagine that God, who knew us perfectly, reserved us to come now, when the stakes would be higher and the opposition more intense than ever? when He would need women who would help raise and lead a chosen generation in the most lethal spiritual environment? can you imagine that He chose us because He knew we would be fearless in building Zion?" (emphasis added)

even though we make mistakes, and in my case a lot of them, "the fact remains that we have always been women of God. we have repeatedly made righteous choices, on both sides of the veil, that demonstrate our faithfulness. We have so much more divine potential than we yet comprehend." (emphasis added)

the Lord taught abraham that he was among the "noble and great ones" chosen for his earthly mission before he was born (abraham 3:22-23). we are also among those noble and great ones. elder bruce r. mcconkie said, "a host of mighty men and equally glorious women comprised that group of the 'noble and great ones'.....can we do other than conclude that mary and eve and sarah and myriads of our faithful sisters were numbered among them? certainly these sisters...fought as valiantly in the war in heaven as did the brethren, even as they in like manner stand firm...in mortality, in the cause of truth and righteousness."

that is us he is talking about. we were there, fighting alongside our husbands, our children, our parents. alongside the prophets. alongside other courageous men and women."

noble and great. courageous and determined. faithful and fearless. that is who you are, and that is who you have always been. understanding that truth can change your life, because this knowledge carries a confidence that cannot be duplicated any other way. as we come to understand [this], we will feel a greater sense of mission and more confidence living as a woman of God in a world that doesn't necessarily celebrate women of God. we will cheer each other on rather than compete with each other, because we'll feel secure in our standing before the Lord. and we'll be eager to stand for truth even when we must stand alone--for every consecrated woman will have times when she must stand alone. we are the Lord's secret weapon."

something we need to realize is that we are constantly being attacked at every angle. we need to recognize that satan wants us to see ourselves as the world sees us, not as the Lord sees us. he tells us we are not good enough, not smart enough, not thin, cute, clever, or anything enough. "that is a big, fat, devilish lie. he wants us to believe there is no status in being a mother. that is a lie, an evil lie. he wants us to believe that the influence of women is inherently inferior. and that is a lie."

this is something i struggle with. ask my husband--one of my more common phrases is "i'm just not good enough. i just don't feel good enough. nothing i do is enough." and i am trying so hard to stop saying that. to start changing my perception of myself. because the Lord "seeth not as man seeth, for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart" (1 samuel 16:7). sister dew teaches that "the more clearly we understand our divine destiny, the more immune we become to satan. we will never live up to who we are as women of God until we overcome our mortal identity crisis by understanding who we are, who we have always been, and who we may become." (emphasis added)

here are some of the ways we can discover for ourselves who we are.
1. the spirit, which is key. we need to be able to hear what the Lord is telling us, through His spirit. this is how we can learn what the Lord truly thinks of us, and what His purpose for us is.
2. pray in faith, asking the Lord to show you what your purpose is.
3. repent regularly
4. forgive and seek forgiveness
5. attend temple worship
6. be obedient to the Lord in our minds and hearts
7. be honest with ourselves and with others
8. use your intellect to look at yourself objectively--as though the Lord were looking at you
9. make decisions that will make you happy. i have found that when i am happy i am able to see myself in a more positive light.
10. influence others for good. be uplifting those around you. as sister dew says, "is there anything more meaningful a mother or grandmother or any of us can do for the youth we love than help them begin to see who they really are?" this goes for everyone--not just the youth. our spouses, who are hard on themselves. our friends. sometimes even our own parents.

"women of God who know who they are have unusual and sometimes unexpected influence."

i know that when i am able to see myself more as the Lord sees me i am happier. i am stronger. i am able to deal with life's tumults better. my scars begin to heal. i recognize that although i have endured difficult trials, and am still struggling with them, i am a strong, faithful, and courageous woman. i always have been. if i can fight satan, if i can do so without flinching, of course i can fight him here on earth! of course i can make it through this! of course i can overcome my lack of self-esteem. i know that each of you can do so too. how do i know this? because i know that each of you are also counted among the "noble and great" the Lord has sent to earth. i know that each of you are His children, that He loves you, that He is there to comfort, guide, and strengthen you.we can all discover who we are, who we have always been, and who we will become.